This weekend, a man from Naples hand-delivered a pizza to Pope Francis while he passed through Italy in the Popemobile. Unfortunately, this is only one in a long line of pizza-related events that have the rest of the Vatican worried.

Along with ordering pies for delivery to the Popemobile, Pope Francis has started eating pizza for every meal, replaced the communion wafer with a personal-sized pizza, and has made it “illegal” to give up pizza for Lent.

“It’s… a lot of pizza.” Admits Cardinal Evaristo. “All of his sermons have become very pizza-specific. Last Sunday he went on about how it was no coincidence that there are 8 apostles and 8 slices in a medium pie. We just kind of let him go with it.”


“Whenever he answers the phone, he’s started saying ‘Pope-a John’s pizza, can I take your order?’ Which concerns us because now we can only assume he’s developed this fantasy of working at a Papa John’s, where he also forces everyone who works there to call it ‘Pope-ah John’s?’ I can’t even explain how weird it is.” Says Evaristo.

What makes this even more difficult is that Pope Francis is, of course, irreproachable in the eyes of the Church. “What are we going to say, ‘Your Holiness, the Holy Trinity is not Cheese, Sauce, and Bread?’ We can’t do that.”

Some theologists suggest that this new pizza bender is possibly the result of a dream or some direct communication with the Lord. Regardless, church attendance has never been higher ever since parishioners have been required to atone for their sins by eating little pepperonis. Members of the clergy must have faith, then, that all the pizza is part of a larger plan.

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