The Bible is the story of the very first Christmas. Everybody knows that. It’s a best seller.

So imagine my surprise when I visited my local bookstore, purchased a fresh copy of the Bible, and found not a single gleeful exclamation of “Merry Christmas” in print. Not even a watered-down “Happy Holidays” or “Season’s Greetings.” Just plain diddlysquat.

Merry Christmas Bible Inline Photo

Is this what our world is coming to, where Bibles aren’t even allowed to say “Merry Christmas” anymore? I’m no genius, but I sure as heck know the Good Book is supposed to mention the jolly anniversary of our Lord’s birth. At least once per page. Sure, technically I’ve never “read” the Bible before. Maybe I even have a tendency to “jump to conclusions” and “channel my sexual frustration into poorly-written editorials.”

Nevertheless, legions of antichrist zealots have twisted the Bible into their own wicked vision, in which only a few scant pages cover the birth of our Lord, Savior, and Santa Claus.

via GIPHY


To make things worse, these PC types have front-loaded the Bible with all this Jewish nonsense. Moses this, Ezekiel that. Get your own holiday, Jews! I know you’re the Chosen People, but maybe you could let us Christians pick out just one day for ourselves, thanks.

Then there’s all this other junk after Jesus’ arrival on Planet Earth. What, biblically speaking, occurs after that first Christmas? I never cared to learn. From an early age, I fell in love with the part where baby Jesus sleeps near all the friendly barn animals, and I decided that was all I needed.

Too many people these days are willing to forget the true meaning of “Merry Christmas.” It is, after all, Old English for “Happy Birthday, Jesus!” If you were to see Jesus on December 25th and ignore him, imagine how sad he would be. Do you really want to bum out the Son of God on his special day? To quote Prince of Peace himself, “If you forget me on my birthday, then you are the devil.”

So if you get Jesus a present this year, you’d better not make it a Bible.

via GIPHY


Dan Fitzpatrick is a writer and comedian based in New York City. You can read more of Dan‘s work on his blog, The Danopticon and follow him on Twitter @DannyFitz1020.

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