Soooo Jeb Bush unveiled a new campaign slogan yesterday: Jeb Can Fix It. Yes, Jeb Bush’s new slogan sounds like the title of a cartoon for children under 5. What can you fix, Jeb? My toilet? My marriage? A college football game? At this point making fun of the Bush campaign feels like hitting a pinata once it’s already down – super fun but what’s the point? So instead of mockery, we’re going to offer Jeb some high-quality alternatives to his truly lame slogan.
It’s JEBBIE’S Turn
As children we’re taught to share and take turns. If you’re a Bush boy, you get to sit in the big seat for at least one term. Daddy had a turn, big brudder George had a turn – it’s only fair that now is Jeb’s turn. Do what’s right, America, and give Jebbie his turn!
Real Men Love Bush
The Bush family has not made great use of the fact that their last name also means pubes. Loosen up, Jeb! You’re last name’s Bush – lean into it. The independents will laugh and the conservatives won’t get it anyway.
Florida’s Doing Great!
Jeb was governor of Florida for 2-terms and Florida seems to be okay. Wait, was it Florida where that guy on bath salts ate another guy’s face? It was? Oh, that kind of stuff happens all the time in Florida? Hm, ok, then maybe scratch this one.
This is a tough one because you need to sing it to Salt n Pepa’s “Push It”. Like “Ahhh/Bush It/Doot doot doo do do/Do do do do do/Doot doot doo do do.” But man, is it ever catchy in those Geico commercials. I’m no advertising expert but if Geico’s doing it, it can’t be wrong. Literally love Geico and everything they do.
I’ve Never Hung Out With Gary Busey
Let’s never forget: Gary Busey was a contestant on Celebrity Apprentice. This means that Donald Trump has spent significant time talking to and working with Gary Busey. This alone should be enough to end a presidential campaign. Jeb needs to remind America as often as possible that, as bad as he might be, he doesn’t count Gary Busey, Rod Blagojevich and Dee Snider as colleagues.
My Real Name Is John
John Adams, John F. Kennedy, John Quincy Adams, John Tyler – America LOVES a President John Something. Maybe if Jeb let everyone know his first name is actually John, people will be like “Ohhh, ok. President John Bush, yup, now we hear it.”
Hey, I’m Not Hitler’s Brother!
Many Americans wouldn’t vote for Jeb because of his brother’s fuck ups. Let’s remind America that while being George Bush’s brother isn’t great, it could be worse! They’ll hear this slogan and be like, “You know what, as much as I dislike the Patriot Act, I hate mass genocide way more. Maybe let’s give Jeb a shot!”
Jackie is a writer/actor whose work has appeared on SyFy.com, Fusion and Funny or Die. She performs every Saturday with GOAT at the UCB Theater in NY. Follow her on Twitter @ohhijackie or in real life if you’re a peeper ‘n’ a creeper.