ABC’s tremendously popular television series and one of the most powerful accelerant factors for humanity’s downward spiral, The Bachelorette, returns tonight. As an early sneak-peek, each of the 25 male bachelors that will be competing for Britt & Kaitlyn’s affection were introduced on ABC’s website. We took the time to evaluate them, make some predictions, and award them with superlatives. Without further ado, meet the men who will be guiding this season’s trainwreck:
Ben H. is a 26-year-old software salesman from Denver, Colorado. He has a bright smile that he uses to conceal the fact that inside, he is constantly wrestling with thoughts about where he feels its most natural to put his own hands.
A 26-year-old fitness coach from San Jose, Ben Z.‘s sad eyes and statement that–if he could get lunch with anyone–he’d get it with his mom because he’d “take any extra second [he] can get with her” can mean only one thing: he will be this season’s guy-with-the-sad-story. Expect Ben Z. to reveal his tragic past in a one-on-one moment that he thinks he can convert to a hands-y makeout session.
“Too often I think women like to be pursued, which is fair, but I would love for a woman to turn the tables and bring her game to me,” says Bradley, 25, of Atlanta, seemingly entirely unaware of the concept of the show he has volunteered to embarrass himself on.
Brady is a 33-year-old singer/songwriter from Nashville that apparently has a fear of getting “explosive diarrhea” during a date because haha? His band’s name is most likely “The Dad-Please-Stop-Go-Aways,” and all other contestants are hereby allowed to tell him to shut up whenever he opens his mouth.
Chris is a 28-year-old dentist from Nashville. His constant forced smile reveals that he is tired of answering the question “Whoa… Are you the product of a head transplant?”
Clint is a 27-year-old architectural engineer from Chicago. He claims that if he could be anyone for a day, it would be Chuck Norris “for obvious reasons.” Sorry, Clint, but you will forever be the Gordon-Ramsay-Lookalike-That-Can’t-Let-Go-Of-A-Tired-Internet-Meme in our hearts.
Corey is a 30 year old investment banker from New York. The words and phrases he chooses to describe what marriage is to him include “two people agreeing on a long-term vision…” and “a partnership with attraction,” making one wonder if instead of “I do” he will say “It’s a deal.”
Sidenote: in answering the question of who he would most like to get lunch with, he answered: “The Dalai Lama — that’s an enlightened cat.” It is extremely likely that his full quote concluded with “Or should I say… llama? Haha,” but some web editor did him a solid and cut it out.
Cory is a 35-year-old manchild from who-the-fuck-cares-fuck-you-Cory. In his short questionnaire, he reveals not only his transphobia, but an unbelievable lack of self-awareness by saying he hates when his date “talks about how cool they are,” and then answers the question “who he’d most like to get lunch with” with “my younger self.”
As a fashion designer who has biked across the US and would most like to get lunch with “The Prince of Monaco,” Daniel is a man that has definitely shaved his entire body and definitely cannot come to admit he did it purely because he likes the way it looks.
Sorry, David. Let’s move on and not waste any more time here.
Ian, 28, of Los Angeles, would most like to get lunch with ABC’s Jimmy Kimmel. Not missing a beat with this A+ answer, ABC’s PR team included a link to Jimmy Kimmel in Ian’s response — imploring the maybe half-dozen or so people that visited this portion of the website to click to see more of Jimmy Kimmel. Yay, Ian! You are definitely the producers’ favorite now, and they would like to now know if you’ll wear this “Shark Tank Airs Fridays At 8/7c” t-shirt during your first date?
The assertion that Jared is hiding something stems not from noticing his large jaw (which creates a fairly large sized mouth-pouch in which Jared could hide something), but from his nonchalantly saying that he “don’t really have any” fears when going on dates. Jared is either suppressing a traumatic dating experience, hiding the fact he already has a girlfriend, or is just the real-world version of this.
The Human Trashfire superlative is awarded to the man who seems to have the fewest redeeming qualities. This year’s Human Trashfire is JJ, a 32-year-old “former” investment banker with a name that most others would wisely abandon by their teens. In his short questionnaire, he says that he won $20K betting on college football and that he hates when women waste his money and just use him for dinner. You hear that ladies? Don’t go out with JJ if you’re just rightfully going to find him to be an insufferable person, yet still accept his offer to pay for dinner since he likely asked you out in the first place. JJ works hard for the money that his gambling addiction probably rarely produces!
The Huennnnnngggghhhhhh is awarded to the man who most looks like he would make that sound when trying to communicate. Joe has some very nice things to say in his questionnaire, if you care to read it, but we all know it’s hard to hear anything other than “huennnnnngggghhhhhh” from him.
Jonathan, 33, wants you to know that he is a romantic because he “attends to a woman’s needs.” That’s good! Good response, Jonathan! Stop there. Surely no one was asking you “You mean only in the bedroom?” And yet you continued as if someone did and offered the unwelcome clarification: “Not just in the bedroom, but all around.” One can imagine the perv-y, self-satisfied smirk you must have had on your face after that. Look forward to more innuendos and no-one-was-asking-that’s from Jonathan this season.
Josh is a 27-year-old law student/exotic dancer/potato with a face painted on it. He believes that marriage means that you can no longer consult just yourself: “She is a part of you and you have to act accordingly.” That sentiment is dripping with disappointment, and certainly comes from the mouth of a man who really just wants to buy a motorcycle without a wife telling him no. Bail out now, Josh! Go buy that bike and ride off into the sunset wearing your breakaway pants, unrestrained by some nagging wife and vanilla future.
Joshua is a 31-year-old industrial welder and man unafraid to wear a shirt that looks like Trix yogurt. He says his biggest fear on a date is his “mom walking in.” Oh, sorry, I mean “mom walking in holding a kleenex and ordering [him] to blow.” Ha! No one thought that was going where it went. Not even you, Joshua. And that’s because you–someone who also wishes to be The Invisible Man so that you could be in “a room full of women to listen to them talk to try to understand them better”–are poorly hiding the fact that you jerk off too much.
Justin, 28, believes that marriage is about acting “as a whole… in unison.” That is music to The Bachelorette‘s producers’ ears. “Justin, you’re going to be going on a one-on-one date. It’ll consist of a three-legged race, riding a bicycle built for two, and tandem basejumping. Your final destination is a picnic sponsored by San Andreas, in theaters May 29th.”
What does being married to Kupah mean? “FOOOOOOOORRRRRRRREEEEEEEVEEEEEEEER.” Shit. You’re right, Kupah, that sounds awful. Let’s drink & party to the music of your favorite artists, David Guetta & DMX!
Ryan B., 32, says his most embarrassing moment was when he meant to send a pic to his girlfriend but “accidentally tweeted it out.” It’s reasonable to assume this pic was embarrassing not because he was making a silly face, but because he dangled his junk in front of his iPhone and took a picture. But something about Ryan suggests there’s more to it than that: he didn’t just quickly and clumsily make that mistake. He belabored over what filter was best for the framing of his frank, and when only after he had achieved what he believed to be penile presentation perfection did he get sloppy and hit “tweet” rather than “message.”
As a junkyard specialist, expect Ryan M. to exit the limo for his introduction holding a wrapped package and a scenario similar to the following to ensue: He will hand the package to the girl(s) and they will unwrap it. “What is this…?” “It’s a catalytic converter….” There will be a pause and some nervous laughter from the girls. He will continue: “Because you make even the air around me much better to breathe.” He will walk away, high off of his brilliance.
The Mr. Hammer-It-Home award goes to the gentleman who is most aware of his strengths and never misses an opportunity to state them. Expect to hear the words and phrases “I own a farmhouse from 1888,” “my dog,” and “my 2 year-old-nephew” a lot from Shawn B., this year’s Mr. Hammer-It-Home.
Shawn E. is an “amateur sex coach,” which makes sense, because no man who looks like the child of C-3PO & Ellen Degeneres could possibly reach the professional level of sex coaching. As this season’s only Canadian, it is mandatory that Shawn be awarded the “Most Likely to Cry” superlative. Expect Shawn to attempt to make clear his virility, yet tearfully well up in a limo when he learns that the women don’t feel the same a-boot him.
Tanner is a 28-year-old from Kansas City, MO with a large collection of straw cowboy hats with various beer brand logos stitched into them. Expect him to make clear too often that he is a “midwest guy” with “midwest values” with the expectation that others will conclude that that somehow translates into his being an interesting person.
Tony is a 35-year-old “healer.” Or “not doctor.” Tony missed the boat on med school, but has a great collection of books about holistic medicine–most of which he ordered after 3am, drunk and covered in quinoa, directly from an infomercial.