We’re still unsure if it’s a reaction to that surprisingly mild summer we had earlier this year, possibly due to climate change, some low level Satanic activity or just the Old Gods enacting a punishment for the constant terror humanity seems to be determined to bring upon itself. But we are about to get pounded with inches, possibly feet, hell possibly miles of snow made out of pure human blood or as we are calling it…Blood snow!!!!
We’ve been tracking a low pressure system that is coming in off the Gulf of Mexico that might possibly blow this Blood Snow out into the ocean. That won’t stop our inevitable demise from this new unimaginable horror, but instead create a whole new chain of events. In that scenario, the blood snow will fall into the water, both freezing and burning the entire ocean all at once. Ecosystems will begin to crumble and a domino effect of destruction the likes of which humanity and mother earth has never seen shall fall upon us. Not to mention BRRRRRRRR. It will be cold. You might be thinking “hey snow is snow”. Not when it is full of an unknown origin blood. It is going to be 100 times colder than dry ice so say good bye to human skin.
Now I know what you are thinking. “I’m in Arizona. We don’t get snow. We’re a desert climate”. Well apparently this blood snow is going to be all encompassing, covering the entire world in a matter of minutes in ice, blood and scattered remnants of viscera. The smell of iron and death will be far reaching and almost nothing will survive. Only a few scattered survivors will rise above the desolation wrought upon us to start a new society. Perhaps one that will finally be free of hatred and bonded by survival. A world where this new vision of humanity will rise above the pettiness that drowned the old world. As the blood snow slowly melts it will form rivers of blood upon which a new earth shall be created. The Blood Earth. A peaceful utopia where the April blood showers will remind the few remaining survivors of their past…a past they shall hopefully never return to.
But until then we have a warm front coming through, so get out there and enjoy that sun everyone. It just might be your last.
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Geoff Garlock is a writer in NYC who teaches sketch comedy at the UCB. You can sample his wares at UCB’s monthly show, “Night Late” or @GGarlock.