Mr. and Mrs. Danzen, please sit down. I have some sobering – well, disturbing – news for you. We’ve run some tests and…your daughter, Lindsay, makes jewelry. I know this is shocking: having a grown child who earnestly makes jewelry with the intention of selling it is a hard reality for any parent to swallow. By all means, take a few minutes to process this.
We don’t know exactly what causes the impulse to make piles and piles of shitty jewelry but one factor that plays a significant role is a staggering lack of self-criticism. You see, Lindsay was born with an inability to recognize when she sucks. She may have exhibited symptoms earlier – these children often perform long, unsolicited singing recitals for dinner guests, invite classmates to read their Live Journals or apply only to reach schools. That, combined with her severe lack of talent has created a perfect storm of hideous bead-and-wire formations.
I want to prepare you for what Lindsay’s life will be like from here on out. She might never buy you a real Christmas or birthday present again. She’ll make you “fun” earrings and “really interesting” necklaces and those will be your gifts. It will be difficult for her to have relationships…with men who don’t wear John Varvatos cologne. As time goes on, she’ll start an Etsy store and the financial burden of buying her Pandora-stye belly chains will fall mostly on you.
In the most severe cases, patients receive affirmation and enthusiasm from other people with terrible taste and they can wind up growing into a Kay Jewelers or a Jared Galleria. That probably won’t happen though.
There are some experimental treatments out there. We can try replacing her little pliers with knitting needles and get her hooked on knitting. The downside there is then she’s knitting you what we’re 98% sure will be shitty hats and scarves. The other much more invasive option is to start gifting Lindsay with similarly shitty jewelry, with the hope that she starts to understand how horribly ugly her statement necklaces are. There’s no guarantee that this will work, though, and it would require you to get into jewelry-making, which is risky: 44% of loved ones who take up jewelry-making are selling it at craft fairs within 6 months.
I know this is a lot. If you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to give me or Dr. Bennifour a call. If you’d like you can go in and see Lindsay now. I think she’s working on an anklet?
Oh – when you leave the hospital, take her shitty jewelry with you. We don’t want it upsetting the other patients.