If you have a finger(s), it could easily have its own smell. A finger is like any skin-covered bone – it can absorb smells around it, through the air, a liquid, or even from resting quietly on a solid. Not knowing what the exact smell of your finger is can be infuriating, so by all means, no matter where you are or who you’re with, put your full energy and attention into answering this question. It can give you great insight into your life, the world around you, and your finger (or fingers.)

7 Simple Steps to Identifying the Source of Your Finger Smell:

1. Smell your finger. Maybe you’re in public but it’s so tempting so just do it. Hold your finger close to your nose and sniff. If you didn’t get enough smell the first time, sniff again, or a couple of more times. Maybe a few short ones followed by a long one! Is that a smell you know from before, or a brand new smell? Let’s get to the bottom of your finger.

2. Retrace your steps. Where have you been and what have you done today? Did you chop some garlic? Sculpt a Play-Doh mound? Drag your body through an oil field? Stir a hot wok of curry with your whole hand? Smell again. Is that lubricant from an industrial sized ball bearing or fresh fawn blood? You can use logic to rule out a few options but really you’ll have to keep smelling your finger to get clues.

3. Forget about your finger and then remember it. Forget for a moment that you’re interested in your finger’s smell – or that you even have a finger. Lay it down calmly somewhere so it can just relax and do regular finger stuff: bending, tapping, pointing, pretending to be a little rollerblader. Then surprise your finger by suddenly remembering it! Stop mid-sentence, press your finger to your nostrils and smell very hard.


4. Don’t wash your hand! If you wash your hand, this ride will be over, bud. Wouldn’t you rather spend the rest of the day subtly pressing the tips of your fingers to your nose, mid-conversation, while maintaining eye contact with another person?

5. Do it in a restaurant. Now that it’s evening and you’re in a restaurant with a date, there’s no reason to stop sniffing, smelling and whiffing your little finger. Try resting your chin on your folded hands and nodding along with your date, so that with every nod, you get a different smell from your finger.: chowder, pillows, brick dust, bleach, egg, bandaid, puppy, tinfoil, puss, bus. You get all kinds of smells from your finger and your date just thinks you’re nodding.

6. Sleep with your finger. Go to sleep with your finger next to you. When you wake up in the morning, it’ll still be there, all juicy and ready for smelling.

7. Remember What’s Important. Life can get complicated with everything we have to balance: Career, relationships, finger smell, family, friends. The most important thing is to stay true to yourself, no matter what. Whatever your finger smells like, you made it smell that way. Never forget that.

 Joanna Bradley is a comedian in New York. You can check out more of her stuff at JoannaBlably.com. 

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