Every few years, a new iPhone comes out, boasting a bevy of sleek design choices and gadgety new features, and Apple’s recent reveal of the iPhone 6 was no exception. But as our society becomes more and more tech-obsessed, it’s easier to lose sight of the kinds of things that all these new i-devices can’t do.
Like, can an iPhone make a child feel loved, respected, and listened to?
Can an iPhone hug a friend when they need it most?
Can an iPhone knit a sweater with warmth in every stitch?
Can an iPhone move on its own power? And I don’t mean vibrate a few inches across a table, I mean really move, maybe participate in a “Fun Run?”
Can an iPhone stick its tongue out, like a real, human tongue out from the screen, and lick an ice cream cone? And if it could, would we scream and throw it across the room?
Will an iPhone tuck a dog into a little four post bed the size of a dog, and make it stay there without fussing? And where’d that bed come from, the Dog Person Bed Store? And how many ways are there to parse “Dog Person Bed Store”? Language is magic.
Can an iPhone take a sunrise, sprinkle it with dew, cover it in chocolate and a miracle or two?
Is the new iPhone able to turn itself inside out, so that the entire universe is contained within a single iPhone, and could I buy that iPhone for $250 and a contract renewal? Thanks!
Would an iPhone die for our sins on a teeny tiny little cross on which you might crucify a doll?
Can the new iPhone hold up the line at the post office for fifteen minutes arguing with the guy at the window that its package is supposed to be here, that the tracking website says it’s here, and it’s not leaving until you find its package?
Can an iPhone passively participate in systemic racism, and if so, is it as culpable for its actions as an iPhone that actively indulges its prejudices?
Will an iPhone ever cry out in the midnight hour, begging for release?
Can an iPhone unfold into an elegant, savory bento box? Domo arigato!
Will the new iPhone grow a single supple shapely woman’s breast for a nice young man like myself to regard with a cultivated eye for highbrow erotics?
Can an iPhone raise a son up straight and true? Because if so, I’m out of here like pronto. Sorry, Aiden, your dad’s an iPhone now.
Could an iPhone host The Chew?
Will an iPhone ever learn to lose the Bluetooth and rediscover what’s really important in life: running a few blocks in the rain and laughing real loud with Cameron Diaz?
Can an iPhone pick up and dial an Android and call itself and talk to itself on the phone through the phone the phone is using? If not, no sale.
Would an iPhone ever spend a night on the town with a rube like me? Would an iPhone ever even look my way? Shucks, why should it?
Dan Abromowitz is a writer for HappyPlace and a contributor to ClickHole and The Onion. His work has appeared on McSweeney’s, Gawker, and shimmering in the sky over Salt Lake City. Follow him on Twitter.