Gun violence continues to tear communities apart. Election rhetoric is reaching a fever pitch. Class inequality in America seems as stark as it’s ever been. In these stormy times of racial tension, political frustration, and civil unrest, what this country really needs to unite us all again is a good old fashioned celebrity sex tape.

Y’know, something juicy, like Kim Kardashian and Ray J, or Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee, or Paris Hilton and whoever Paris Hilton was having sex with with in that video. The classic kind of celebrity sex tape that every honest, hard-working American can set their differences aside for in order to collectively gawk at while filing the memories away to masturbate to later. A sexy reset button; something to get us all back on the same page. That’s what America needs.

The celebrities themselves don’t matter too much, but the sex tape should definitely star someone who is intriguing enough to see naked but not so likable that watching their homemade porno seems distasteful. For example, Nick Jonas would be perfect, whereas nobody would care if Calvin Harris made a sex tape and I would feel very bad watching a naked Tom Hanks have sex. Or how another Kardashian sex tape would be great, whereas nobody would care about a Blake Lively sex tape and a Demi Lovato sex tape would be very sad because of all she has been through. Let’s remember that there’s only two things that transcend race and political affiliation in this country: sex and celebrity. A new celebrity sex tape would have them both.

What America needs most now is unity. We can no longer deny that all of us need to nut very badly. We must listen, and make better efforts to understand one another — and there’s one thing that does that better than anything else: nude celebs sucking and fucking on camera for all to see. Nick Jonas: the ball is in your court.

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