Mother’s Day is just around the corner and you know what that means: Your kids are about to give you a bunch of junk you never wanted. Once you’ve forced a big smile and said, “Thanks sweetie! This is so thoughtful!” here’s a handy guide for what to do with those shitty gifts.***

SCENTED BUBBLE BATH: Your kid got you scented bubble bath? Great! It’ll be so relaxing to squeeze yourself into your tiny bathtub and stare at your moldy shower curtain until the water turns tepid, then get out smelling like a Yankee Candle! Instead of throwing this gift in the trash, here’s an idea: Sneak over to a park in the dead of night, then pour the bubble bath in a public fountain. You’ll be in for quite a show as the fountain overflows with bubbles. It’s a cheap laugh, but it’s definitely better than using this gift as it’s intended. Just don’t get caught by the cops!

FLOWERS: How lovely! It’ll be so nice to watch them attract bugs and drop petals all over the house as they slowly wilt and die! Wait, here’s a better idea: Take the cheap bouquet your dumb kid got you and leave it on a coworker’s desk with a note attached saying “From You Know Who.” Then watch them from the shadows and cackle as they go mad trying to learn the identity of their secret paramour.

BOX OF CHOCOLATES: A cheap box of chocolates that taste like brown wax and are filled with what appears to be glue made of cough syrup? Thanks a lot kid! Definitely a fair trade for birthing you, feeding you, and making sure you didn’t die for 18 years! You’ll be tempted to chuck these chocolates in the trash, but why not put them to use? Choose one of your enemies and follow him or her for days and days until eventually the enemy needs to do laundry. When the enemy has put his or her clothes in the dryer, slip in like a ninja and pour your box of chocolates into the dryer. Then sit back, relax, and chuckle to yourself as all of your enemies’ clothes are covered with melted chocolate. They never should have crossed you!

COUPON BOOK: So your kid made you a little booklet with coupons for chores like “Washing The Dishes” and “Emptying The Garbage”? Real original. Your first idea is probably to use these coupons as rolling paper for some fat sticky doobs… but wait! Instead of blazing them up, why not put them to better use? Get together with another mom in your neighborhood whose kid has given her the same gift, and then at the count of three begin using your coupons in rapid succession: Wash the car! Clean the gutters! Mow the lawn! Your kids will unknowingly be pitted against one another in a battle of endurance. Whichever kid collapses from exhaustion first loses. To make things more interesting, bet a couple hundred bucks on the outcome. Throwing a fatty doob into the mix couldn’t hurt either.


CUTE HAND-MADE BULLSHIT: Kids always seem to think hand-made gifts are the best, but obviously they’re wrong. You need a hand-painted mug or cobbled together jewelry box about as much as you need more stretch marks. Two words for what to do with this junk: Target. Practice. Set ‘em up in your backyard and go to town on ‘em with your Beretta. You won’t believe how great it feels to unload into these pieces of crap with a full clip of hollow-points, plus it’ll improve your marksmanship.

STIHL MS 210 C-BE CHAINSAW: Finally a gift you can use! Whichever kid got you this top-of-the-line chainsaw knows just what mamma likes. Show them you appreciate it by finding a nice hunk of oak and carving them a sick-ass grizzly bear. Spending a relaxing afternoon in the backyard working on your chainsaw art is the perfect way to spend a Mother’s Day!

***Please note that this guide can also be used for Valentine’s Day, anniversaries, and any other time you’re getting presents from people who should definitely know you better.

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