Teach, I understand that you’re trying to get through to me with your book words and your math numbers. You been making a real effort to connect lately because my grades is in the toilet, and if I don’t pull them up soon I’m gonna have to take sophomore geometry as junior which would have a negative impact on my transcript. I get it, I do. What I need you to get, though, is that I don’t gotta be smart to fuuuck, and as a hella horny 16-year-old boy that’s just where my priorities are at right now.

Your efforts are appreciated, but as they have literally no bearing on me getting my dick wet I gotta let you know that you are wasting your time. As it turns out, tens (the babe kind) don’t give a shit about me knowing what a denominator is, nor do they care about my grasp of the conflict between morality and desire in Ethan Frome. Tens want only to french and finger, and I want only to french and finger tens. This in turn leads to boning, which as stated is kind of my main focus in life right now.


Every day I take a handful of condoms from the nurse’s office. I can’t wait to try one.


Case in point: Scotty McCafferty’s party last weekend. I was frenching this one ten who goes to Westford, and I started to have the all-over sex feeling I like to have. Then Scotty walks in like a dumbass and asks if I was gonna be doing the PSAT the next day, and if I was could I give him a ride. Instantly, my good sex feeling went away, the Westford ten went away, and the whole thing got wrecked. Needless to say, there was no boning that night. Now, some of this is on Scotty being a dumbass, absolutely. Still, Scotty is first and foremost my boy, and you see how general academic anxiety is really messing up my fuuuck game. The good news? I don’t gotta be smart to fuuuck, teach.

I appreciate the offer to retake the mid-term I did so badly on, but even one night of studying is just gonna take up valuable mental real estate which I have bookmarked for memories of breasts and sex tips I read on the internet. You’re a good teacher, really. I’m just the wrong student. Now, if you’d please show me how to put a condom on a banana, I’ll be on my way.

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