The following is a part of Above Average’s Cheek Week. Click here for more butt stuff.
How can you definitively say when a back has reached its end and a butt has officially begun? Few questions are as divisive as this one, and with good reason: the implications are political, emotional, economical and spiritual.
The legality of butt nakedness is constantly under attack from those on the pro-pants side of this debate, who believe that every butt has a right to pants and no part of a butt should ever be bare and wagging around. Their adversaries, pants-choice advocates, believe every butt owner should be able to choose whether or not to cover their own butts, but even here there are shades of gray: some pants-choice advocates don’t believe in full-crack butt nakedness, while others emphasize the absolute right to choose butt nakedness no matter how deep the butt crack.
Often, the debate over butt beginnings quickly turns to god, perhaps predictably, since many people believe a butt can’t be measured by cracks, folds, fat ripples, dimples, squishy parts, floppity under-stuff or slappy sounds. “Every butt is unique and begins when the soul of that butt is conceived of,” says Father Sqolch of Boston’s Our Lady of The Holy. “A butt becomes real as soon as a guy in a pick-up basketball game thinks about slapping his teammate on the butt. And it’s certainly a butt once he slaps it.”
“I believe in god,” says Herman Flanckler, director of the Responsible Rumps Federation of America, a leading advocate for the pants-choice movement. “And I believe that god supports every individual’s freedom to choose what to do with their own butt. Most of what we do here is provide services for people to care for their butts properly – we have classes on wiping, sitting, clenching, wiggling, how to deal with the challenges of a hairy, low or flat butt. But if someone feels that they’d rather not cover their butts with pants, because they’re not financially stable or they simply don’t feel prepared for the responsibility of covering a butt, we do provide butt nakedness. If someone wants to walk around with a naked butt, that is their choice.”
Responsible Rumps doesn’t set limits on full-crack butt nakedness, a position that’s garnered them heavy criticism from those who say a butt with that much crack exposed can feel that it’s naked, from all the wind going down the crack. Some also argue that if a butt farts once, it should be covered with pants. Whatever challenges Responsible Rumps faces in the future, it’s clear that the question of what defines a butt will continue to insinuate itself.
While the debate grows more heated, here’s a chilling statistic: today, there are over 3 million neglected butts in the United States, some of which are regularly squished into wide, stinky unrecognizable discs of fatty flesh, simply because they’re ignored.