Hi there! My name is Eddy Posner and I’m a 5th grader at Ron Johnson Elementary. I turned 11 four months ago, I love X-Men comics, I’m really good at Minecraft, and lately I’ve noticed that my body has started to change. Hair’s growing in strange places, I’ve started to smell bad after P.E., and I’m getting boners all the time for no reason.
Like we have this new English teacher, Mrs. Talbot, and whenever I think about how nice and nurturing she is my downstairs feels like a big pot of warm butterscotch pudding. I raised my hand to go to the bathroom and when Mrs. Talbot called on me for some reason I said, “Can I go to the bathroom, Mom?” and everyone starting laughing! Then when she said I could go I had to be all like, “I don’t have to go anymore,” because my thing got hard right after I asked if I could go to the bathroom and I had to put my hoodie on my lap and everyone looked at me real freaky! Why did I call the teacher I have a crush on, “mom”? That makes NO sense.
Anyway, I really hope Mrs. Talbot didn’t see my stupid penis and get weirded out. She once told me that I always ask thoughtful questions and also she wears the same perfume as—it’s happening again! Oh God why!? What’s wrong with me? None of this makes sense! Can someone please explain why I called my middle-aged teacher who has blonde curls (like all of my maternal grandparents’ children) mom and why my penis is hard and also I hate my dad? Can you tell me what’s happening to me? Please?