People said I was crazy when I plunked down $840,000 at Dr. Ronald Gorban’s Plastic Surgery And Video Store and said, “Gimme the Snap Dog, doc!”

And people continued to say I was crazy when I plunked down another $633,000 to Dr. Larissa Melman to fix the initial botched surgery job.

But no one is saying I’m crazy now! Not while I’m walking around in everyday life looking like a cartoon dog from Snapchat! And let me tell you: the benefits are endless.

No more tipping my yogurt container upside down to get the last little bit; my giant cartoon dog tongue can take care of that!


No more buying those cheap dog ears from the costume shop for my weekly attempts to infiltrate gangs of wild dogs.

And most importantly, no more wishing I looked like a cartoon dog. You don’t have to wish for that when you, in fact, look just like a cartoon dog.

When I was a child, my mother and teachers said I could be anything I wanted to be. But my dad told me, “Son, you will likely not be great at any jobs, but when you turn 35, you can use your trust fund to get some experimental surgeries that will probably not be super dangerous by then, and then you can write a blog post about it.”

It was crazy he knew what blogs were back in the 80s, but who’s laughing now? I’m the best in the world in looking like a cartoon dog, and if you think otherwise, you’re barking up the wrong tree, pal.

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