You’ve been to the altar. You’ve exchanged vows. You’ve celebrated your love in front of all your friends and family. The only thing left to do is to retreat to your hotel room with your new spouse and begin the rest of your lives together! A couple’s wedding night is a moment of sacred intimacy, one that they’ll never get again. That’s why I’m waiting until then to tell the woman I love about the Matrix.

Only twice in my life has everything clicked into place and made sense to me: one, when I met the woman with whom I want to spend the rest of my life, and two, when I found out about the Matrix.

I first became aware of the Matrix after viewing the 1999 film The Matrix. In The Matrix, Morpheus tells Neo that no one can be told what the Matrix is and that they have to see it for themselves, but that’s not totally accurate, because I will tell my wife after we are married. I will reveal to her the terrible truth that the Matrix is a simulated reality created by artificial intelligence in which all of humanity is trapped and pacified in order to be used as batteries for said AI’s robots. Everything she has ever known has been a lie, and we must wake ourselves from an otherwise unceasing cyber-nightmare. I hope we have a big bed in our fancy hotel room!


Such a beautiful wedding. Too bad it’s all the G-D Matrix.


I will apologize for keeping the Matrix a secret from her, but will then explain that I had to wait until our wedding night because I needed to know that I could trust her- I had to know that she wasn’t an agent of the Matrix. (If my bride morphs into an Agent Smith as I tell her about the Matrix, I will cross that bridge when I get to it). While all of our memories and experiences have not been real (Matrix lies), our love has been real, and can totally transcend the digital mind-prison in which we currently live- much like Trinity and Neo’s love in The Matrix, which I will suggest we watch after we are done talking and I take off my tuxedo.

Our first date? That was the Matrix. Our wedding, from which we just came? Matrix. I will explain to my beautiful bride that her expensive wedding dress is not real, her family is fake, and that our true physical selves are housed in goo-pods. Only by accepting this truth can we disrupt the system (Matrix) and escape to the real world together. There is no one I would rather make the journey with than her.

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