The following is a part of Above Average’s Cheek Week. Click here for more butt stuff.
Today, Glenn and Joanna will debate the merits of wiping from the back of your genitals to the front versus from the front of your genitals to the back. This is an excerpt from their six-hour conversation:
JOANNA: Glenn, I’ll admit, I’m feeling particularly impassioned today. I just came from the bathroom, where I wiped back to front. It was very satisfying.
GLENN: Oh, cool. Did you see any other animals in there or were you the only one?
GLENN: Let’s keep this civil.
JOANNA: Fine, why don’t you explain the convoluted, unnatural, psychotic process of wiping yourself from front to back?
GLENN: There’s- there’s nothing to explain. You fold up toilet paper, reach behind yourself, and wipe your ass starting at the crotch.
JOANNA: “Reach behind yourself.” – Listen to that!! What are you EVEN talking about?? When else in life do you “reach behind yourself”?? Why don’t you just eat a sandwich with your feet and drive a car with your shoulder blades??
GLENN: When do you ever “reach in FRONT?” We’re talking about very special circumstances, where you’re dealing with, essentially, a handful of feces. I’m willing to exert the small bit of extra physical effort it takes to avoid getting feces in the hole where I have sex. And we haven’t even talked about the added benefits!
JOANNA: What “benefits”?
GLENN: There’s ammonia in pee. Ammonia is a cleaning agent, look it up, it’s in Windex. Ergo, when you wipe from front to back, the excess pee you pick up from the front helps clean any errant poop away from your butthole towards the end of the wipe.
JOANNA: So we should all start putting Windex on our assholes??
GLENN: That’s- Joanna, that’s not what I’m saying, stop.
JOANNA: Look at me! Look at this!
[Joanna stands up and mimes wiping herself, putting her hand between her legs and wiping back to front repeatedly]
GLENN: Oh that’s fuckin disgusting dude.
JOANNA: LOOK AT IT! It was designed to move this way. It’s nature’s ice cream scoop.
GLENN: YOU’RE NOT SCOOPING ROCKY ROAD YOU’RE SCOOPING PEE PEE AND POO POO.
JOANNA: Glenn, lemme ask you a question – I notice your nails are painted a beautiful orange “Tart Deco” today. Did you paint those yourself?
JOANNA: Ah-HA. So you’ve got the digital dexterity to perfectly paint one square inch of your fingernail with a tiny brush, but you’re unable to drag a handful of toilet paper from the back of your vagina to its front without getting feces in there??
GLENN: SOMETIMES I get paint on my cuticles! And if we exit the metaphor for a moment, that means I’d sometimes be spreading fresh shit all over my labia.
JOANNA: Okay, this is conservative, alarmist, slippery-slope, fear-mongering rhetoric.
GLENN: I’m not an alarmist, I’m a realist!
JOANNA: None of this is real, this is purely theoretical!!
GLENN: No, no it’s not.
JOANNA: What are you talking about? You wipe front to back.
GLENN: I do now. When I was five, I wiped back to front. Because, yes, it’s easier. And yes, my hand fit right between my little legs. So I would sit on my little Power Rangers potty, and wipe to my heart’s content.
JOANNA: Sounds great.
GLENN: Don’t interrupt me. After a while, I started to develop a rash. A rash so red and so itchy I thought I would scratch my vagina right off. It felt like fifty mosquitoes had pecked away at my tiny labia. I spent all of kindergarten with my hand down my pants, scratching, scratching, scratching, scratching, scratching–
JOANNA: Okay!! Okay I get it!
GLENN: My parents took me to the doctor, who told us that my vagina was full of bacteria. Poop bacteria. Poop from my butt had been getting inside my vagina.
JOANNA: I GET IT. Jesus.
GLENN: Well I wanted to be clear.
JOANNA: Yeah yeah it’s clear. That was so gross. Fuck.
GLENN: The skin on the inside of my vagina was irritated by the bacteria from my poop.
JOANNA: Please STOP talking.
GLENN: So, did I win the debate?