When she plunged her fork into the final morsel of flourless chocolate cake that she’d been sharing with her brother’s fiancée and tipped it into her little red mouth, Katie Dunnibun, 31, officially became the most disgusting person living on the planet Earth.

“It happened really fast,” says Katie’s brother’s fiancée, a woman with self-control. “As soon as Katie shoveled that cake into her mouth, a team of scientists and fitness models burst into the restaurant and slapped a big gold seal on her back that said ‘Most Disgusting.’”

According to the waiter who had been serving them, Katie seemed “Totally pretty and normal through most of the meal. But then it was like she turned into this ravenous, insatiable animal who just had to finish that chocolate cake. I mean, ew. Like…why?”

John Bomange, a man with a good appetite who was working his way through his second pizza burger when Katie nauseated every table with her stomach-turning abandon, found himself feeling sorry for her. “I mean, a person like that just doesn’t know when to stop. It’s really sad. But yeah, also super gross cuz she’s an animal. She deserves this.”

For her part, Katie was mystified. “I mean, I know that when two women share a dessert the right thing to do is take tinier and tinier bites until there is a very small bite left, at which point you offer it to the other woman who politely declines and you do the same. I guess I just forgot myself.”

Katie is currently touring the country’s barnyards to live amongst the livestock until another woman claims the “Most Disgusting” title by ordering fries “for the table” then eating most of them herself.

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