More and more, millennials these days are reporting that their jobs have them in a classic “mid-20s rut”: they don’t quite love what they’re doing, and they think it’ll lead to a satisfying career, but there are absolutely no guarantees.

Sound familiar? You’re not alone!

Fortunately, there’s a very easy solution to your troubles: simply find a billionaire who has made the personal choice not to publicize a key part of his her private life and then tell the world!


Within a few short years of aggressive litigation by high-priced lawyers that your small company can’t possibly contend with, you’ll be back on the job market looking for your next big opportunity! Bing, bang, boom.

All this plan requires is the patience to track down one of America’s 536 billionaires (except Peter Thiel! His outing already got taken… thanks a lot, Gawker! LOL), observe his or her behavior from afar, and then, depending on what you find, publish a rumor that he or she is sexually attracted to people of the same gender. The justice system will do the rest.

I mean, for that amount of effort, you could probably just learn a whole new set of skill and then look for a more fulfilling line of work. But why? Always gravitate toward the path of least resistance, amirite millennials? It’s why I always abandon my bicycle at the bottom of a steep hill. My parents will buy me a new one later.

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