Yesterday, the New York Post reported that former Subway spokesman and confessed child molester Jared Fogle was recorded bragging about his attraction to children and the lengths he would go to to engage in sex with them. At this point, Jared Fogle might be the most disgusting and reprehensible human being on the planet, so…would you guys back me up if I murdered him?
I know that murder is wrong. I am anti-death penalty. I am pretty anti-war. I don’t believe in solving problems with violence. But Jesus Christ I want to wrap my hands around that pasty fuck’s neck and squeeze until all the life drains out of him. I just want to know if I can count on you guys to go to bat for me when this all goes down.
I’m not saying I’m going to murder Jared Fogle. I haven’t Googled his house and looked up flights to Zionsville, Indiana ($188 non-stop round trip) to see if I can make it there and back before brunch on Sunday. I haven’t been watching murder shows Gone Girl-style to study up on establishing alibis, cleaning up blood, etc. This is all hypothetical! I’m a comedy writer at a comedy website. But. If I did gut Jared Fogle from his groin to his jowls with a hunting machete, would everybody be cool with that?
Don’t get me wrong – I would never ask you guys to cover up Jared Fogle’s murder for me. I’ve got that all worked out. (Make friends with bartender at the Zionsville Hampton Inn. Make sure he sees me stumble up to my room “drunk” at 10pm. Use maintenance stairs to get down to borrowed car – no rentals – drive to Fogle’s house. Break window and take valuables so it looks like a robbery. Be in and out in three minutes.) I just wanna make sure that in the court of public opinion, everyone would be on my side. I want to know that the headlines would read: HERO COMEDIAN SUFFOCATES SQUISHY WHITE CHILD MOLESTER WITH HER BARE HANDS; WEARS HIS BIG TEETH AROUND HER NECK AS A TROPHY.
Anyway, this is all just a silly little comedic premise for a dumb little article on a farty little website. So if you’re a cop or an FBI guy, don’t freak out. I’m not gonna murder Jared Fogle, okay? I’m not gonna drive a running chainsaw into his heart and spit in it before I finish the job. But if I did, I bet everybody would be, like, pretty down.