WTF, Seventeen? W. T. F.
As you already are well aware, I have been having a terrible month. At my bestie’s birthday party, I was having a conversation with my long time crush. Things were going great until I stood up. Of course, my period had started and, to make matters worse, I was sitting on a white couch!
I was mortified! I needed someone to talk to, someone who would understand. So, naturally, I emailed the story to my favorite teen lifestyle magazine. What I wanted was for you to give me some advice. What I didn’t want was for you to turn around and blab the whole thing to over two million of your subscriber friends! I told you that story in confidence,Seventeen Magazine! Why would I ever want tons of people to know that I (Kristen, 17, NJ) left a stain on the couch I was sharing with my crush?! How could you be so heartless?
You know I would never do something like that to you! I mean, think about it; Last May, when you told me your top 23 frizz-free hair secrets, did I tell anyone? No! I kept them to myself. I didn’t even give you crap about the fact that four of the secrets were basically the exact same secret (I get it! I shouldn’t wash my hair every day! Duh!). I didn’t betray your trust, Seventeen, because I know how to be a good friend. I guess you don’t. And you know the worst part? This isn’t even the first time you’ve done this to me.
Last year, when I went to my older brother’s pool party, dove in the water, and came up to find that my bikini top had fallen off in front of his friends, I knew I couldn’t go to my parents for support. So I wrote to you! Did you write back? Did you take the time to even say that you were sorry that it happened to me? No! You just ran out and printed it in your August 2015 list “OMG-Worthy Summer Disasters!”
Do you know how embarrassing that was for me? I was so upset that I spent my entire first day back at school crying in the back hallway by the school gym. And, while I was crying, three of the cutest boys from the JV football team came out of the locker room and saw me. Of course, I don’t need to tell you how awful that was… because I already did! And, ONCE AGAIN, you printed it! This time, in your September 2015 article “Teen Girls Share Their Worst Back-To-School Traumaramas!”
I don’t know. Maybe it’s my fault for continuing to trust you when you just keep breaking my heart. I guess that’s just how I am. I’m trusting. Still, enough is enough. I’ve made the same mistake too many times and I’m not going to make it again. You hurt me, Seventeen Magazine. A lot. And, as a junior now, I’m learning that I don’t need people (or internationally syndicated magazines) who cause this much drama to be a part of my life. So, I’m writing you to say that I just don’t think we can be friends any more.
I’m also writing you to tell you that, last night, my friend and I ran into our band teacher while we were at the mall buying thongs. So embarrassing!
– Kristen, 17, NJ
Jon Bershad is a New York-based writer and comedian who you can see at the UCB Theatre, follow at @jonbershad, and stalk at jonbershad.com.