After watching the presidential debate Monday night, my mom got the bright idea to hire a fact checker to evaluate our phone conversations. With a lull between debates, it wasn’t hard for her to find someone to take on the job.
Needless to say, I was extremely nervous to call my mother for our regular Wednesday catch-up. I started off asking how she was doing, but I could only deflect her questioning for so long.
“So, how are you?” she asked.
“Everything’s great,” I replied, hesitantly.
After a beat, I heard a voice in the background. “Not true,” the fact checker claimed. “She hasn’t done her laundry for weeks, only showers every three days, and ate cold lo mein for dinner last night.”
Ok first of all, I don’t see how any of those things prevent my life from being great. Secondly, HOW THE FUCK DID THE FACT CHECKER KNOW THAT?!
“And have you made any progress looking for jobs?” my mother continued, as I frantically searched my home for hidden cameras.
“Yes, yes I have!” I responded.
“Half truth,” concluded the fact checker. “She updated her LinkedIn profile and bookmarked a temp agency website, but hasn’t applied to any jobs.”
“Mmmhmm,” my mother mumbled. “And how’s your love life?”
“It’s shitty, ok?!” I yelled into the phone. “I haven’t dated in months, Tinder is a joke, and I’m starting to accept the fact that maybe I’m fundamentally unlovable! Are you happy now mom?! Are you?!”
“Congratulations, that one was true!” the fact checker interjected, cheerfully.
“Yes,” said my mom. “So happy.”