Yesterday, Gothamist broke the news that the L train, which serves Williamsburg and Bushwick, may be shut down between Manhattan and Brooklyn for three years to make necessary repairs after damage during Hurricane Sandy. While it’s important to keep the New York City subway system in good condition, the MTA will have to find another solution – white people ride the L train. Good, sweet little white people who need to get where they’re going. We can’t do this to them.

Sure, three and a half miles of track on the A train were destroyed in Sandy, which required the MTA to shut down A train service to the Rockaways, but that’s, like, way out there. Y’know, out there – where subway service is routinely suspended and rerouted and people take shuttle buses for months and take an uptown train to an express stop only to board a downtown train to ride back four stops. The soft white children of the L train can’t take that kind of treatment. They’re not built for it, dammit! They won’t make it, I tell you! They just won’t make it!


Behold the tiny whites with their spines made of hand-blown glass from a small place in the Hudson Valley! (Photo credit:

I’m sorry. I’ve been dreading this day for so long. The day my pure, delicate, snow-white L-train muffins would have to hoof it to the M train, or the G or any other of these godforsaken wasteland trains that don’t have a real-time readout to tell you when they’re coming and don’t smell like cortados. Sweet, sweet cortado-train smell – surely my dandy, tip-toeing L-train daffodils will remember that smell with tears in their eyes as they’re jostled to and fro on the rickety sub-trains they’ll have been banished to.


A train sponsored by the very platform that hosted their favorite internet drama, High Maintenance? Surely the white people cannot be expected to ride a train sponsored by…no one. (Photo credit:

So please, Governor Cuomo, MTA. Before you turn their porcelain, champagne-sparkle lives upside down, think of the tender faces of the white people of the L train. Imagine their finespun fingers wrapped around the unpolished poles of the G.  Please, find another way. Save the white people of the L train.

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