Hi, humans. It’s ya boy Your Dog here. Y’know when you’re having sex with your partner and you both suddenly realize the dog is watching? And then you go, “Oh, it’s fine. He doesn’t know what we’re doing,” and you proceed with your intercourse? Well I’m here to tell you that we know exactly what you’re doing and we’re watching you with purpose.

Oh, did you think you were just two black and white amorphous shapes to me? That’s what you thought, right? That I’m tilting my head from side to side, trying to figure out what’s going on? I’m an animal, dumbass. I know fucking when I see it. And, yeah – I like to watch.

I can’t watch porn. The closest thing to porn that I can see is two randos humping in the dog park, and that usually gets broken up pretty quick. The only action I get to see is when you two go to town on each other.

Don’t get me wrong – this isn’t my thing. Your gangly, hairless human bodies do not turn me on. I don’t even wanna get into the weird, un-barking, non-growling sounds you make when you come. But I don’t have thumbs and I can’t control my mind well enough to generate specific fantasies, so my options are pretty limited.

Anyway, that’s all. Keep doing what you’re doing, don’t mind me. If you decide to lock me out of your bedroom, that’s your prerogative. Just know – I know what you’re doing in there.


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